im drinking this country out of the recession.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza