His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
