I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
