dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
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these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
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A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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