I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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