I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
