And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
3 2 1 whiskey
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
