Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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