New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
