Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
