just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
