rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
