My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
