the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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