There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
