There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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