I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
