I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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