I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
