6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize