the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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