Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
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if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
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I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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