One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm getting married
To pizza
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
