The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
