he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
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Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
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So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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