hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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