Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
