I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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