6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This is classic penis vs brain.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
