Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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