Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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