My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
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