I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights