If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
