ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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