sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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