our cab driver is having phone sex.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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