Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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