I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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