I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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