so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
