Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
