I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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