I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
