So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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