The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
