If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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