fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
