Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
