Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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