I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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