I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
