Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
