Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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