I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
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