Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
